Operation Beautiful

Words are powerful. And all day long we hear that we aren't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough.

From the cover of magazines touting a new diet to diet "snack" food lining the grocery store shelves, women are bombarded with the message that they need improvement.

I happen to think that's a bunch of crap!

I know women of all shapes and sizes and ages that are beautiful in so many ways that it blows my mind. And you are one of them!

If you want to join me (and countless others) on defeating the dumb "Fat Talk" in our culture, get on the Operation Beautiful bandwagon.

I'm off to hang my first notes in a public bathroom!

On the Run

A couple of years ago I pursued a life-long dream to start running, and in the process I fell madly and passionately in love.

When I started, I was so heavy and out-of-shape that I couldn't even walk one quarter mile without stopping to catch my breath or take a puff on my asthma inhaler. But I didn't give up.

I kept walking and walking and walking. When I got stronger and fitter, I started running a few steps. To keep my motivation high, I entered a 5K race and then another and another – each time alternating walking with running for several feet. I always finished last or nearly last, but I felt surprisingly good about what I had accomplished.

Then I signed up for a local Beginner Running Program. I’m proud to say that I finished the class and never once walked a single step when I was supposed to be running. I was the slowest person in the group, but that class solidified my passion for running.

Next, I signed up for the Nike Women's half marathon in San Francisco and started training diligently. I finished that race, last fall and promptly stopped running. I don't know what happened but something inside me just gave up. I quit running, stopped working the Weight Watchers program, and have spent the past year in a funk.

It's not a fun way to go through life. That's part of the reason for change now. I'm tired of being depressed. It's time to have fun again!

The Plan

I starting dieting when I was 12 years old. My mom purchased a diet off the rack in the grocery store check out line for me to follow. It began with a giant binge -- I had to eat my fill of favorite foods before the deprivation set in. Day one was a total fast. Somehow, even at that age, I did it. I still remember how proud my parents were that their pudgy daughter refrained from eating for an entire day. The following week or so was a blur of cottage cheese, melba toast and grapefruit (this was the '70s afterall!). I don't remember the exact regimine, I just know that I didn't make it to the end of the 14-day diet plan and that I didn't lose weight.

Ever since then I've been looking for the right plan to "fix" my food obsession and weight problem. But none have. I've tried Weight Watchers, South Beach, veganism, Overeaters Anonymous, giving up sugar and dozens of fad diets spelled out in magazines. They all worked for a short period of time and then I'd fall back into my old ways and start eating without restraint again. And the extra pounds would pile on.

I've dieted my way up to 365 pounds!

Well, no more! Diets make me crazy. I want peace, balance and self-respect. I want the freedom from food obsession but some guidelines to help me make good choices. I want to lose weight and eat with dignity fearlessly in every situation.

That's no small task, but I've finally figured out that it's not the diet, it's my mindset. If I can change my mind, I can change my body.

So, I'm officially giving up dieting. Who knows what might happen, but I hope my head and my body get a bit lighter.

And my first goal? To get down to 349 pounds.

Lies We Tell Ourselves

A few weeks ago I was grocery shopping. As I pushed my cart down the aisle, I heard a little boy loudly proclaim to his mother (and everyone else within ear shot), "Look at that fat lady!" There was little doubt who he was talking about, but I turned around anyway, just to be sure. Of course, he was pointing at me.

That scene happens to me fairly regularly. People shout demeaning remarks as I walk across a parking lot. Tease and point at me when I run. Comment on my size in a store.

I'm fat. I'm not deaf. And these words do hurt.

But the truth is, the kid was right. I had been lying to myself. I am morbidly obese and need to face that fact and take action before it's too late.

Fork in the Road

My entire life has been a blur of overeating. I can't remember a time when I wasn't obsessed with food and with planning my next indulgence.

I went from being a little girl hiding snacks under my bed, to a 30-something adult weighing 345 pounds. I was morbidly obese, chronically depressed, and had absolutely no joy.

Then one day I woke up ready to change my life. I struggled for several months to establish a truly balanced way of eating. I slowly lost a few pounds but knew I had a long, long journey ahead. I needed help.

Upon the urging of a friend, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in September 2005. I had never tried any kind of formal diet program. And I didn't know a thing about Weight Watchers. But I am so glad I went! I clicked immediately with the food plan, with the leader, and with the other members at the meeting. What I learned made sense and I felt like I could follow Weight Watchers' healthy eating guidelines for the rest of my life...

... and I did for about a year. During that time, I felt my former self fading away and a new woman emerging. I started eating better and moving more. I lost 62 pounds and felt great. I tentatively started a beginner runner program. Moreover, I actually started liking myself and was excited about my future.

But then, just as easily as success had come, I fell back into old patterns. I started making less healthy food choices and began to attend meetings erratically. I ran less often and eventually not at all. And not surprisingly, the weight has crept back on (plus 20 extra pounds!). The depression and lethargy returned. My newfound self-confidence has virtually faded completely away.

I realize that I've come to a fork in the road of my weight loss journey. One direction offers health and happiness. The other provides unchecked weight gain and dispair. I choose the former. Won't you join me?